Mischief, maybe a fangirl story


Fangirl lifetime story, in process. Hey, a start to this page, then catch up on the last months of my music and life journey...

It's going to be a fxxk off, be warned, I'm not interested in your diss kind of page.

In other words, a very personal journey. Let's call it an art project. Give myself lots of latitude.

And for those who know me...does this fit what you know? Crazy direction. A lot of focused attention on whatever works for me. 

Some of this is a surprise to me, even. But there is a throughline I recognize going waaay back to um formative years.

Bit by bit...


A note here... After a day of youtube music from morning til night, I thought I noticed that corner I feel I've been coming to, turning into blue sky and poolside fun. But now that the real sky outside is darkening, the edge is creeping in. Music follows mood, or leads it. 

Familiar, lit.

 

And anyway...even when it's a melody of blue skies and white sweaters, there's still the guy gestures. The heady gg...the base chakra moves. What puts a smile on my face as soon as we start up in the am. Sometimes before coffee.

Before coffee?! Because...the Taehyung bridge between wakefulness and sleep. Or sleep and wakefulness.

 

I'm a fangirl. Always have been.

Here's something to listen to, while I fill in this site a little more. And while I get going here on Mischief.

The bridge...

 

I give myself away.



Okay, my Meme Dreams and Talisman Stories...Context

In the grips of the creative process, never before with this looseness. That I can remember. 

And the deep yes

Way to stay receptive

And so theatrical

 

Love theatre that lights me up, makes me want to move...

 

Whozit for

For me, a sequence of intense connection

And by invitation, by coincidence, or by curiosity

 

My Meme Dreams…right now, Mischief

Curation, commentary, expression

A journal of sorts, spinning off my Searches

 

Mischief and Love

My Meme Dreams and Talisman Stories

(Inhabit that space hey look around)

 

My parameters... This loose.

GDragon's got it. Crooked for starters.

“Mischief “ will inform searches, lists, links, and posts

Ima tomboy…

Let the Fan Girl out

A natural state. Born to it….

 

Mood...Abandon. With rhythm.



Gotta say here, about my Gordie Good Boy, who took up what could be all the middle years of my life

-wanna get him in here, right after the GDragon opening cuz Gordie is the closest I've come in my guy choices to the crooked way of being. These guys are cool till they die.... 

Risk and protection all at the same time.

 

So ya GDragon, like when you click Follow...

That's a simile for what G did to me. :)

After I was already his fan.

Imagine, fangirls, close to a lifetime with your bias. Ima fan of my blues rapper G til I die. 

 

So, all of Mischief expresses elements of feelings elicited by G, about being with G, and about G gone.

That scream I feel rising turns into...this. Follow.


This, Taeyang of Big Bang... 

The journey from G gone to Ringa Linga, I'll fill in later.

But this MV was instant rapport with the mood I was in, had been in for months.

I was elated. 

 

I recognized my lifelong throughline of the music, mood phenom and its ability to reach in and let out.

Pursue the music, the mood. Search. And our global network delivers. 

Ringa linga ling

Theatre, beat, beauty, gg, and body art, eh? I'm in!



Let's talk about two things you'll notice here on Mischief

  • East Asian focus
  • Guys mostly

Soon...

 

But next, as part of Mischief's provenance, EXO's MAMA, when Kai shows up howling in face paint. 

My first time seeing it? I'm sure I levitated. Thinking, this is exactly how I feel this morning. Thank you. Hand me the eye liner.


Speaking of eyeliner, where does my love of guys in guyliner come from? It goes back a long ways. Longer than metrosexuals and acceptance of guy love. But let's be clear, since it makes them so...pretty.

I, fangirl, am attracted to the man all smoky-eyed up...

 

Like a heartbeat for a guy in war paint may be an instinct? I dunno. I just feel it.


Here's the lined-up excellent guy group EXO performing their MV MAMA, filled with synchronized fierce moves, and talismans...

Mama means Your Majesty (sort of), in Korean.

(You probably knew that) And wait, Kai in your face... Excited!

A couple more EXO favs, before I get back to Big Bang, or carry on to the many searches, vids, that caught my eye. And landed on playlists.

Call Me Baby. Good dance hooks. 

Suits, bomber jackets, monk capes, guy skirts, leggings, blouses.

Pink hair, silver hair, long hair, buzz cuts, cat hats and ties.

Race cars, steel beams, underground parking lots, mazes, deserts, mansions, other worlds...

I got hooked fast, big reason EXO. This genre of MV's, and these guys' expression of it, had a sophisticated, current edge to it that felt...like home.

I've been home for months. Lit.

I arrived at EXO soon after Taeyang and Big Bang

I was mesmerized, by EXO's precision, talent, visuals. 

Their variety, different moods, looks...

And how I couldn't keep track of the guys from MV to MV. And even DURING a song. I learned it is a characteristic of this genre of music. Mad change-ups, styles, looks. Like in Tempo.

Here's one, Growl,  where the EXO guys stay in the same threads for the whole tune! Too bad there are three of them who are gone from EXO now. Causing confusion to a person who might be wanting to figure out who's who.  (I got it now.)

Sometimes it's the music that gets me,

sometimes it's the choreography.

If it makes it to a playlist, it's usually both.

 

I am definitely going to research the producers, choreographers, editors of this genre. Later.



A bit of my story...

Back to G already, because I just reread a part of an email I wrote months ago and didn't send.

This run of thoughts, feelings, and music that I am drawn to lay out here on this page, may have to be called Mischief and Grief, for a while.

The intensity of this pursuit is tied closely with the deep feelings I've been having since my Gordie died a year ago now.

Covid and isolation happened soon after he passed. Within the month I was stockpiling, ready for a shut down. 

I was communicating with family and friends about it all. Checking on them, sharing what was going on with me.

Since I couldn't go see them.

All the warm hugs for me happened in those first weeks after. Then we all stopped human touch... Meh

 

So, below is a part of what I wrote to a family member, when I decided, then committed, to having a public memorial for Gord. The decision to not just keep my memories inside, but to engage with others about it all, felt like an act of bravery, and caused vertigo.

A breathtaking act, to commit, to decide to share, open up.

"Help, I'm melting."  I said, after describing my decision.

But I cut out the rest of what I wrote right after, and wrapped up the email nicely, with gratitude and an invite for a G story.

 

I'll lay it out, what I cut, here. 

I am still, months later, dissolving into tears at the missing, the memories. Melting.

And hanging on to handrails...

 

I wrote, "...What my emotional intelligence is telling me, what I always say when things in our lives are on the edges of our experience - birth, sickness, panic, elation, depression, ecstasy, death, is "go deep here". So I know I gotta go deep.
Let this experience sink to my roots.
I've already gone all root chakra, for weeks. Started the work. Got myself red shower curtains and a ruby (thanks G, ruby is deep love). Mad music. All intuitive. Following impulse under the intention of "go deep." But it's been private pretty much. Or I laugh about it if I talk about it. Keep it light, with others.
What I know I need now are a few lifeforms who I can say my sideways, uncomfortable stuff to.  Or say the long dramatic versions of my thought stories. Get it all out of my head. Serious mind ramblings going on. 
So I gotta say, and I'll be saying it somehow, out loud...
That Gord lit me up and I lived in almost full-on cellular interaction with him, for the whole thirty years, from start to finish. He was magic, inspired. Took my breath away. With perfect timing, and flaws to grapple with. Intense and hilarious. Right to the end.
(And still, in memory and story)
I am left entwined. And unraveling is my present commitment.
It hurts.
Until I remember to loosen.
It's divine. ..."

To go back several months and read that, and know what has transpired in my grief journey since then, is...interesting.

Since I have always been pretty independently minded, I knew when the time came and G passed, I would be okay. But that was mixed with the understanding that being totally smitten with a guy for 30 years, and loosing him, was going to impact my capable self.

And I was going to have to be...mindful, of both surface waves and undercurrents.

 

And sure enough, impact...

After the months-later memorial I moved into a new stage-of-grief. I dyed my clothes black, stuffed all my pretty jewelry into shoe boxes, and buzzed half my hair off. 

I felt close to smashing all my windows and tattooing Fxxk Off on my forehead.

So...how to handle my hot anger stage? And still keep my friends, colleagues, and job-I-liked?

Without "going for help"? (Not in the mood, thanks. I am not after resolution, not ready for peace.

I am pursuing expression, mountain screaming.)

 

Music! I found music that was as hot and intense as I felt. 

Hot, cuz that's a throughline of mine. Intense cuz I just came out of an intense, interactive 3 decade partnership, and my emotions, of all kinds, from good to bad are felt, wildly, all over my physical being, and out my aura... (Can you feel it when you are close?)

Also fun and funny. 

Ima a pretty happy person, easy to laugh. And funny runs through everything I like. Ironic, dark, slapstick, clever...

(G was very very funny. Right up to his moment of passing. Seriously.)

And I was finding my hissing moods hilarious. Cuz I can laugh at myself, most of the time.

Pursue self survival...

 

PS This post has been up for a half hour and I'm already thinking #whocares. Oh well.


Self survival. The universe delivers.

Within weeks of G gone, I discovered the 2Cellos. OMG, morning till night. Inside the house, outside in the garden, earbuds at the grocery store. Obsessed. I immersed for weeks, Single MV's, full concerts I watched on...Friday nights.

Interviews, bios. These guys are fxxking incredible talents.

I love talent.

 

And sooo cute, cuz, when you can't travel (lock down) and take in beautiful views your eyes gotta have something to appreciate. Ya?

I love these guys. Truly.

 

Make it though a day...With or without you

And a transition piece for us here, Despacito, cuz next I drop into a Latin music immersion phase that takes me to another high.

Stjepan Hauser and Luka Silic, Croation cellist duo, classically trained... And very funny.

This Hysteria wasn't my first, or second...

But when I pushed play on this MV it matched those smash it moods I'm talking about. 

Watched with happiness. Needed this!

And our Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. Love this cover so much.

Tied him to a kitchen chair... Ya gotta know it.

Can fill me with peace, or break me down.

Whatever the mood is...

Soon after I immersed in 2Cellos, they announced a break. Planned before Covid. I still watch their individual vids.

They are so good together tho. I must say.

I'd write them my gratitude but it would be lost in their thousands of adoring fan comments. I just send a thank you vibe. 

They have a lot of performances to enjoy, from classical, to their pop and rock covers, to movie soundtrack covers, to bits of pieces in nature...

 



2Cellos kept me going until somehow I ran into Bachata dance, Bachata kings. Love dance. Hafta say I barely noticed the girls dancing with the guys for ages cuz the guys are such good...dancers. Love a guy who leads! I'll find some favs. Saved... Coming.


And after a warm Bachata, Kizombo period I found myself in a sequence of Searches, for months now, leading to an infinite number of paths to follow. Music and drama. Fun, fierce, foolish, romantic, disciplined, wild. And talent... Aishhh

Dropping into another culture. Put a pot of water on the stove. Ramen for supper.

Hooked.


Searching, right after after lucking in to "Ringa Linga" very early on, this...

Good Boy. I had to click on this cuz saying "Good Boy" was a thing in our house.

And gotta say I didn't know the rapper here yet but it didn't take long before GDragon was the reason for a lot of things along this Mischief journey.

Hard to take my eyes off him, except he's performing with Taeyang... Equal time, boys. Wotta pair.

Speaking of Fxxk it!

This is one of my fav Big Bang songs, discovered early on.

It's got a great mood, and it is an amazingly well edited MV. So much colour, action, cool fun. So much to see.

The whole five of Big Bang-Taeyang, GDragon, TOP, Seungri, Daesung... These guys are so good. 

I just wanna be there, hanging out.

Fxxk It.

 


I watch all these and more as I go, a lot.

 

How did I get to Big Bang and Exo, then more?

Well that's a funny story. Funny odd... 

For years I didn't watch a lot of movies. We watched tennis, cooking shows, and late night shows.

When I had my own choice this last year, I turned (back) to romance movies. Love a good love story...

And watched a Korean Drama series on Netflix, reading subtitles. Curious, fascinated at some of the action, dialogue, customs...and love a happy ending.

A few months later, picked and watched two more. Hit the jackpot, apparently.

The King, Eternal Monarch with Lee Min Ho, and K2 with Ji Chang Wook. Those feelings of fangirl rising. Fun.

Then It's Okay Not to Be Okay. Love the 3 leads, and touching story. And Kim Soo-hyun.

More...Boys With Flowers...crazy stuff. Overacting, childish. But still, appealing. Four guys walking the halls of a college looking like all that. And a spunky girl. A pattern.

 

Second version, Meteor Garden, with Dylan Wang.

Became hooked on Dylan Wang, watching him. His expressions and mannerisms are...entertaining and cool.

Unmatched scowl.

Looking up all this movie/series action, google searches. 

Youtube. There were vids on these movies, these actors.

I discovered a common crossover with the KDrama actors also performing/singing. 

So I followed Dylan Wang over to his music videos, like this one. (Dylan is Chinese. "KDrama" and "KPop" are catch alls.)

And then followed links to endless stunning MV's. Rapt.

 

And, some fangirl talk...I'd follow Ji Chang Wook and Lee Min Ho anywhere. Just saying.

 

Adorable, fun...

I am deeelighted with the moves. And the tiger.

Note, a lot of KPop MV's do not bring girls in as visuals like this, like so many western MV's I've watched over the years. 

Refreshing, not to have to wade through the female vibe to get to the guy moves. For me, it simplifies my focus. :)


 

And my East Asian music obsession began, though KDrama.

KPop (but also Chinese, Japanese...)

So hot, crisp, fierce, complex. Matched my mood. Outlet. 

 

I feel really lucky in my choosing. Or I'm a good chooser...

Getting to Big Bang and Exo right away, then more- Got7, NCT, Super M, Ateez, Girls Generation, Red Velvet, Monsta X, Stray Kids, Rain, BTS.... (Eventually a BTS immersion, but that's another story).

Listening to KPop MV's all day is...enlivening and satisfying at the same time.

Feels sideways to everything else I'm doing. Crooked. ( Where's GDragon, let's hang out)

And nights and weekends, watching. The music videos are...really good. IMHO (and millions of others)

And the patterns in the music, the dance, become familiar. But with so much variation. Like Haikus.

 

So far, so good. Soooo good.

 

Still watching KDramas.... There are thousands. I'll never run out. 


KDrama
Lee Min Ho
KDrama
Ji Chang Wook
KDrama
Kim Soo-hyun
KDrama
Seo Yae Ji
KDrama
King Sidekicks

No end of screen shots, fan and promo photos...


Coming...Bachata, fill in the middle obsession/love.

Big Bang Bang Bang, GDragon's hug in Last Dance, and more

Next page... KPop generations all good, different paces

What makes Bobby from iKon so cool. How does that work?

More Kdrama/KPop connections

Anyone know chakras? Chakras spinning

 

Page coming if Mischief still happening...BTS, respect

Falling in love

Taehyung's alpha wave vibe (I'm falling)

RM genius, and good

Suga, see Agust D MV?

Jimin so cute and martial arts skills

Jin in black hair 

Jungkook, maknae, old enough now to open awareness to. 

J-Hope says small gestures in War of Hormones. On the same wavelength...

Cuz gestures (well guy gestures here) is a lot of what we are all about on Mischief. Magnetic .

One, in Boy in Luv, when RM drags two chairs across the classroom, tossing them

 

Yaya sometimes it's the small things...


So, teasers, for what's coming sooner or later...

 

Soon.

Bachata, Kizomba, Zouk dance, Latin and good pop music.

This one, with Enrique, with some great girl vibe, is a mashup of dance, dancers. 

And music is catchy, playful. This vid is one I play when I want to feel good.

Later.

BTS Save Me made it into my random youtube mixes early on. After listening a few times, while at the post office, or setting up an art show, I got caught by the music, the tune. Stopped to watch. Free flow, flow dance, together. Love

 

Yep, it's now on a loop. Cuz...



Graffiti Art
"M" by Joel Reid